My Resume; Hire Me!

The Resume/CV I wish I could give to employers:
Education: X University
Objective: Getting a job!
Shit I’ve done:
Spanish High School: Best Job, kids were crazy and hormonal but so am I. And now that I am back in America I want to kiss everyone on the cheeks, and I accidentally did after one interview.
HORRIBLE company: The men would constantly shout out some obsenities and say “the only reason women have jobs is because they can’t find no man that will support them.” My first day working there one of the sales guys, who happened to be BFFs with the owner’s son pushed himself up against me while I was making copies and creepily whispered into my ear, “oh, you ARE short, but I like it better that way.” I wish I had punched his ugly ass face and gone to HR, but HR was the owner and I was super expendable and relieved I had just gotten a job after so much searching. I got fired a month later!
Temp Agency: Check boxes with stereos to make sure they had the correct program. I was working alongside a guy who had recently graduated and an older man probably around 50something, he was American but spoke with a british accent (wtf?), I will refer to him as WTF, because really WTF?!  Anywho, WTF walked around the entire day with his blue tooth in his ear like he was going to get some important call while wearing his stupidly old sneakers. We were all doing the same stupid job but he would refer to the piles of boxes as the “Alpha Pile” and the “Beta Pile.” What?! It’s Pile A and Pile B, this is a terrible job and there’s no hiding it even by Alphaing that shit up!
Research Assistant: Recruit people for a study in Venice Beach. The research team had stationed itself in front of the Kush doctor, who then had vandetta against us for having done so. A random homeless man would always point to the Kush doctor’s “office” and proceed to ask me “if that’s the kush doctor, are you the kush nurse?”
Kitchen Employee, age 19: at a student body run cafe. I had to make marinara sauce in a pot that was nearly my height and as wide as maybe 3.5 of me standing close together. Most days I felt like I was getting a deep marinara facial, the steam from the sauce opened up my pores while the marinara seaped into my skin. Ew! I would leave looking like I had drowned somebody in a tub of marinara, but I got a free bagel at the end so all was good.
Receptionist: I was 18 and had just graduated from high school. The HR guy was constantly telling me that was the best time of anybody’s life.

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